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Feeling at Home

March 9, 2010

I’ve always wished I could be an artist. Wished that I had the talent to draw. My mom can draw. She has natural artistic talent and has always been that way. She has taste and ability to see possibility in an open space.

Me, not so much.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not one of those “please tell me how good I am” posts. I know that one gets better with practice. I also know that what you tend to see is people’s best work, not their rough drafts, etc, etc. Having said all of that, I also know that artistic creativity doesn’t come as naturally to me as it seems to, to my mom. Or to others, I imagine.

I suffer from a loud, critical voice in my head. I suffer from my right-brain taking over and telling my left-brain that it’s more important for the project to be “done” than anything else so I should finish it instead of letting it brew or seeing where it might take me. I tend to give up because nothing I do looks good to me. Almost ever. It’s painful to share with others. It’s painful not to share with others. It’s hard to read the “this is great” comments because I feel they are so meaningless but it’s harder to get no comments. There’s just so much “stuff” surrounding this issue for me.

Yet, I still crave it. When I sit at my table, surrounded by paints, paper, glue, photos, I am happy. I am peaceful.

I am home.

At that moment, I don’t think about whether it’s pretty or ugly. Whether I will share it. What others will say. I am just playing, creating, re-living, listening to my soul. And it feels so good. And I know that no matter how deep and frustrating the issues surrounding this might be, I will never give it up. I don’t ever want to give it up.

I think that’s exactly what hobbies are meant to make you feel like. You don’t need to master them. You don’t need to be applauded for them. You just need to enjoy them. You need to bask in that wonderfully warm feeling of familiarity and joy. Forget about what comes after and just enjoy the moment.

The moment of feeling so at home with something.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. March 9, 2010 2:25 pm

    Oh, I like this interpretation. Where the feeling of home is versus home, the house. I have been pondering this month’s theme but feel a bit saturated after January’s home work theme. But this puts a new spin on it. And let me tell you, from one artist to another, artists make ugly art ALL THE TIME. It’s part of the process.

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